"That Girl."

Yes, that one --
The one that's had me saying "I'm fine" for the past year, when I really wasn't;
The one that had me choosing my guitar over the company of my friends, writing songs;
The one that had me visiting old places, just for the sake of trying to remember what my subconscious locked away from me;
The one who left that most permanent sort of mark.
The one who had me flying and falling and hitting my head on the ceiling.

Yeah. That one. You all know I haven't hit my head on the ceiling for anyone else.

January 29th brought me back around. She told me to hit the send button, and I did, and I was finally proven wrong about everything I've held in my core for so many months.
And it feels great. It really does.
I don't mind being alone anymore. If I get to believe in something different...it's actually alright.
Thank you. Again. I really can't say it enough.

Two Years Ago, Today...

I made one of the best decisions of my life, which led to my greatest downfall.
Not a day goes by anymore where someone doesn't remind me of that past, where I'm not put on my furious edge, where Liz's name isn't spoken...I swear, I could put holes in the next person who mentions her this January 29th.
That was then...

...and this is now.

Learn to understand that, people. I PREFER to be left alone about this. It's how I'm meant to be.

Gloria

My sweet Gloria
You saw me growing up
And everyone saw
You were growing on me

We both watched Elizabeth leave
Said goodbye to Michelle and Silvia and Geanine
And you held me all the way through
You were singing my blues

My fingers bled dry
I'd play any guitar just as hard as I had cried
The first night she was gone
But nothing felt right
Unless it was you in my arms

Since that day when I carried you
In through my door
You carried me through more
Than I could ever say
Now I can only say:

My sweet Gloria
I'm not done with this growing up
And I don't think I ever will be
Since you left me a guitarist without a heart

Now that our days are done
And all of your songs have been sung
I pray that you'll remember each kiss;
I'll remember for ages to come...

"Not So Secret" by...me

With a smile you could will this room to silence
You should will this room to silence
So we all can soak your eyes in
As you tell us to confide in
You would never say a thing, no
You would never judge
Not one among us
Strangers all, but...

"Tell me a secret"
You can see that
I'm a man of many masks
The last one you'd expect to ask
And get the answer that you'd like
To know, who am I really?
Underneath all of these subtle clues
It's up to you to find
My troubled truths
The puzzle's not that hard to solve --
It's not so secret after all
It's not so secret after all

If I could leave everyone behind
And have just you and I
You know I'd take the chance
And take the slowest dance
You know I'd
Let you get to know me
As no one knows me
Past the masks and empty shows
If I could wake up to your glow
I'd take you anywhere
You know I want to save you
I want to take you
Far away from all this pain
Somewhere good things stay the same
It's not so secret after all

"Tell me a secret"
You can see that
I'm a man of many masks
The last one you'd expect to ask
And get the answer that you'd like
To know, who am I really?
Underneath all of these subtle clues
It's up to you to find
My troubled truths
The puzzle's not that hard to solve
And that I wish for something more is not that hard to call
It looks like it's not so secret after all
It's not so secret after all

It's for the best.

I'm feeling strange right now.
I don't know what to call this state of mind, or this outlook, or whatever you want to call it; I don't know whether to consider it good or bad, or whether it should even be considered at all.
One second I'm looking forward and feeling optimistic; the next I'm looking back and feeling hopeless; the second after that, I'm looking at the here and now and honestly, it leaves me not feeling at all.
Is apathy better than pain?
But then again, I wouldn't call this apathy, because there's the optimism, and because I'm feeling pretty good when I think about my fresh start with Geanine (which is so fresh that we're cracking first-meeting jokes and saying "good night, stranger.", and it's all laughs and smiles again). I only hope that this time, I can hold on to the positive for a change.
God damn, I know it's only 5 a.m. here in Chicago, but I'm already thinking about how I return to New York tomorrow, and I really don't want to leave my bro's place. I really don't want to leave this place that feels so much more like home to me.

"It's For The Best" by Straylight Run:
It takes more time than I've ever had;
Drains the life from me,
Makes me want to forget.
As young as I was
I felt older back then:
More disciplined,
Stronger and certain.
But I was scared to death of eternity --
I was saved by grace,
But destroyed by naivety...
And I lied to myself
And said it was for the best.

And now faith is replaced with a logic so cold --
I've disregarded what I was
Now that I'm older.
And I know much more than I did back then,
But the more I learn
The more I can't understand.
And I've become content with this life that I lead,
Where I drink too much and don't believe in much of anything
And I lie to myself
And say it's for the best.

We're moving forward
But holding ourselves back
And we're waiting on something that will never come...

We're moving forward
But holding ourselves back
And we're waiting on something that will never come...

We're moving forward
But holding ourselves back
And we're waiting on something that will never come...

We're moving forward
But holding ourselves back
And we're waiting on something that will never come...

We're moving forward
But holding ourselves back
And we're waiting on something that will never come...

We're moving forward
But holding ourselves back
And we're waiting on something that will never come...

And we're waiting on something that will never come.

The New Year

So this is the new year
And I don't feel any different...

I wish the world was flat like the old days
Then I could travel just by folding the map
No more airplanes, or speedtrains, or freeways
There'd be no distance that could hold us back

There'd be no distance that could hold us back...

So this is the new year...

One fresh start down; three more to go. (Yes, I had in mind particular people to start over with -- you guessed right. But Liz isn't one of them, so no congratulatory cookie for you. You think I'm that pathetic?) I spent last night at my dad's place (!), playing guitar and mingling and talking and mixing & matching coquito and champagne and chambord.
And I made a resolution that I doubt I can pull off in a year. It has nothing to do with my books. It has nothing to do with romance. It has nothing to do with music. It has nothing to do with habits that I want to kick or start. It's simply another story for another time.

I've been listening to Clair de Lune a lot lately. Don't ask me why, I don't really know. It's just...beautiful. It gets a new sort of train of thought going in my head that no other music can put there. I'm enjoying it. It makes me feel incredibly lonely, and I'm not enjoying that, but as far as aesthetics go I could not be happier.