My sound is getting a lot more bluesy. I've found my perfect tone.
I've been finding a lot more partners lately to take into the studio.
My amp and guitars are spitting out tunes more beautifully than ever.
I'm almost ready to come out of hiding and show everyone what I'm made of.

Just Another Day

Waiting in a circle for the new year
And it feels like nothing's changed
Seems like just another sleepless night
And the dawn of just another day

Of all the nights I've wished that you could be here
The emptiness tonight is kind of strange
'Cause the fireworks on TV set this room alight
And all the people holding flutes of cheap champagne

Yeah, we're all a little warm
And the drinks have got us all in one mind
But I'm just feeling tired and worn
And this fire is eating at me from the inside

At the stroke of midnight
I'll turn to where you're missing from my side
As the countdown ends, I'll try to flash a smile;
I'll bow my head and kiss my hopes goodbye.

Oh, I'll be saying goodbye again
I'll be saying goodbye again
Goodbye again
Goodbye again

At the stroke of midnight
I'll turn to where you're missing from my side
As the countdown ends, I'll try to flash a smile;
I'll bow my head and kiss my hopes goodbye.

EMILIOVELEZMUSIC.COM -- the designs so far.

This is my preliminary design for the home page of the website. Check out a my programmer's test version here.

This Is It.

Well, this is it -- now that that the fall semester is over, all that's left on my agenda is the release of my website.
It's time to crank up the volume, refine my sound, get together with a few backup musicians, and start booking the EMILIOVELEZMUSIC.COM Site Release Tour!
(note: this will still take a while.)

For those interested in following my tour, I'll be booking New York City venues only (my budget doesn't allow for a tour extending to Chicago yet -- maybe next time, folks!), and I'll be sure to post a list of events when I have one ready.
The goal of the tour is to raise money for the programming fees of my website, EMILIOVELEZMUSIC.COM, and hopefully I can set everything up so that the money adds up properly and my tour ends on the site's release date.
I'll keep you all posted!

--- EV

P.S.: Be ready for a launch party when I start the tour; anyone able would be coming to the first event of the tour, with me, immediately after the party. See you then!

Buckle Up.

TODAY
The fall semester's last day of classes, and my English final. It shouldn't be much of a problem; my professor said that we can practically bring in a whole first draft for the essay, and she won't count it as cheating as long as it's in outline form.

TOMORROW
Making the last preparations for a talent show being hosted by the QCC Music Society on Saturday. I'll be performing "I Don't Need No Doctor", playing lead guitar, with a band I tossed together (bass, keyboard, and drums), and I have a climax in mind that involves heavy use of my loop pedal; if I'm going to nail it, I need to practice my timing.

SATURDAY
The performance. Sound check starts at noon, and runs until showtime at 2.
Outside of the Music Society's meetings every Wednesday, I haven't had any time to jam with my band (due to scheduling conflicts), but I've given them all copies of the song, and emailed them the chords and such. Hopefully they pull through. We did pretty well at the last meeting.


[next] TUESDAY
French final. I'm mostly covered for this one, but that doesn't mean I'm not willing to use my spare time and over-prepare.

[next] WEDNESDAY
Psychology final. The list of material I have to study for this test is almost two pages long. Oh, joy.

AND THEN....
Freedom.
It's looming on the horizon. Sure, there are a few tough stretches before I get there, but there's not really much I can do but buckle up and barrel through.

In the name of Progress -- whatever that is.

It's been bothering me lately that my progress on guitar is a stop-and-go kind of thing. When it comes to learning about theory and songwriting, I've grown familiar with the tools and devices my teacher has introduced to me -- I know their names and how they work -- but my growth is still stinted by a weak theoretical ear and an inability to apply what I've learned to practice. I can't listen to a progression and say, "oh, that's E , F#m7add11 , G#m7#5 , G#7, C#m, A,"(a tune I wrote last month); neither can I sit down to write a song and decide to toss in a modal interchange, followed by the root's relative minor. Somehow, I write songs that are theoretically elaborate and properly structured, but it's never on purpose, and I can't rely on accidental ingenuity when I hit writer's block.
This is where I realized that my approach to learning isn't very driven. I'll sit down and practice for several hours on end -- sometimes all through the night -- but I've never really taken much care to listen to what I'm playing, in the theoretical sense. I'm simply playing, producing sounds with no clue as to how they relate to each other. On occasion, I'll discover something that sparks explosive creativity, and I'll churn out song after song for a week or two...but I'm developing a definite sense that there's something hidden under all of this. When I write down the music that results from these surges, the material is always drastically different from what I've written before; I'll break down the songs and discover that they all have a certain theoretical element in common that was absent from my old work.
So here's my revelation and my goal: if I make a conscious effort in my practice to apply what I've been learning -- I call this experimenting with direction -- I can generate the same "eureka!" moments at a much more rapid clip, and if I run into a dead end I can always move on to applying the next lesson.
My music is about to undergo a huge transformation...and the method is so obvious that I feel almost stupid for not realizing it sooner.

emiliovelezmusic.com

My official website is (officially) in the works!
I gave my initial layout sketches and functional notes to Mr. J, who in turn passed them along to our coding expert Matt Lo. I have an appointment with Matt tomorrow to discuss the finer details and give him a better idea of how I want the semi-user-generated event calendar, news feeds, video and audio clip galleries, etc., to operate -- and hopefully find some ways to make his job easier.
Even considering that I've just been cut an amazing deal and this guy is saving me a lot of money, I am faced with quite a price tag.
But, regardless, it should be no problem. I talked with my good friend and fellow guitarist Richard Ramos yesterday, and in a few days' time we'll be on an errand run to venues across New York, scheduling events that we can play in order to pay for the site.
Also, another way I'm cutting cost is looking for web development tools online, so that I can format a chunk of the website myself, and copy and paste the automatically-generated code to send to Matt, so that he is spared the work of designing and writing it himself.
Here's a sneak peek at some of the web development tools I'm considering for the creation of my site's photo gallery:
http://developer.cooliris.com/?p=embed/quickstart
http://www.simpleviewer.net/simpleviewer/
http://www.simpleviewer.net/tiltviewer/app/

Stay tuned for more updates!

On The Rise

Tomorrow I'm meeting with my old creative writing teacher, Mr.J, to begin work on my official website.
I'm also meeting with my photographically-inclined friend, Johnny Wolf, for a photo shoot.
Then, in the near future, I have my pick of Mr.J's producer buddies, with whom I can finally record some of my music for the site.
Also, I'm scheduled to perform my music publicly at 3 events before the end of this year.
This all fell into place in the course of a week.
I've recently been stocked full of connections in all worlds that can help me take my music to the next level. This may actually be the start of a career.

So...college.

I started classes at Queensborough Community College this past week. And I have to say, I think it's amazing. I lucked out and got good professors; I'm taking classes that genuinely interest me; I have long breaks between classes, during which I can relax and play guitar on the Quad (or do work, if need be); and the greater majority of people I've met on campus are mature and intelligent.
It's encouraging to be here. (My only complaint is that the books are back-breakingly expensive.)

A Blues Kind of Mood (A Song In The Night)

I trust my soul to these strings
And they give it wings;
I trust what's left of my heart
To this sweet guitar
And though she may love me back
It's not quite what we had
And I'm left wond'ring:
Where are you?

'Cause I have these moments in the early morning
When I haven't gotten sleep all night
And I'm losing my will and my way
And I'm sinking and losing my fight with that feeling
Since you've been gone.

One More Song [Firework Over the Freeway]

Hanging out on those old wooden bleachers
We all sang the farewells to our youth
And the fireworks lifted us up above our blues

We finish a song and raise our bottles
Start another and kick them back again
And that's when I call a toast for all my closest friends:

Here's to infinity
Here's to the life we lead
Here's to these nights I never want to put behind me

As the sun sets on today
And sets our sky aflame
We know that come tomorrow, we will never be the same

But I don't want these carefree days to go away

So we'll put on one more song
'Cause we're 18 and the night's still young
We'll keep this town awake until we're done
Sing it out:

Here's to infinity
Here's to the life we lead
Here's to these nights I never want to put behind me

As the sun sets on today
And sets our sky aflame
We know that come tomorrow, we will never be the same

But I don't want these carefree days to go away

Do you remember that old abandoned pier
Where we used to hang at night?
The sound of water and the distant Midtown lights

We'd swap bittersweet nostalgia
Wondering what might lay ahead
And that's when I'd call the toast for all my closest friends:

Here's to infinity
Here's to the life we lead
Here's to these nights I never want to put behind me

As we look out on the waterway
We feel this moment slip away
And we know that come tomorrow, we may never be the same

No, we can't let the memory fade --

Let's put on one more song
'Cause we're 18 and the night's still young
And we'll keep this tired town awake until that song is sung!

Here's to infinity
Here's to the life we lead
Here's to these nights I never want to put behind me

As we look out on the waterway
And the sun sets on today
We know that come tomorrow, we may never be the same
No, we may never be the same

So let us wish these carefree days won't go away
Let us wish these carefree days won't go away

A Painting Awaiting Completion

As I write this, I'm on the wooden bench in my backyard, waiting for the sun to rise. Lit citronella candles are all around me; I'm wearing comfortable pajamas and draped in a blanket, sipping from a steaming cup of strong coffee.
This is one of those moments when all the world seems to be put on hold: no worries, no problems -- I'm almost tempted to hum 'Hakuna Matata' -- and life actually takes on a feeling of peace. It's a painting awaiting completion, however; the icing on the cake would be having someone to share it with (remember that weekend?) -- but! -- this is one of those moments where I can smile and whisper to the stillness of dawn, "Life is good," and all is well. And even if it isn't, it will be some time soon.

A few songs that come to mind, that this moment really deserves:

"Come Away With Me" -- Norah Jones
Come away with me in the night
Come away with me
And I will write you a song

Come away with me on a bus
Come away with me where they can't tempt us
With their lies

And I want to walk with you
On a cloudy day
In fields where the yellow grass grows knee-high
So won't you try to come?

Come away with me and we'll kiss
On a mountaintop
Come away with me
And I'll never stop loving you

And I want to wake up with the rain
Falling on a tin roof
While I'm safe there in your arms
So all I ask is for you
To come away with me in the night
Come away with me

"Dogs" -- Damien Rice
She lives with an orange tree
The girl that does yoga
She picks the dead ones from the ground
When we come over

And she gives
I get
Without giving anything to me

Like a morning sun
Like a morning
Like a morning sun
Good good morning sun
The girl that does yoga
When we come over
Girl that does yoga

He lives in a little house
On the side of a little hill
Picks the litter from the ground
Litter little brother spills

He gives
I get
Without giving anything to me

And the dogs they run
And the dogs they
And the dogs they run
In the good good morning sun

Side of a little hill
Litter little brother spills
Side of a little hill

Oh and she's always dressed in white
She's like an angel, man
She burns my eyes
Oh, and she turns
She pulls a smile
We drive her round
And she drives us wild
Oh and she moves like a little girl
I become a child, man
She moves my world
And she gets splashed in rain
And turns away
And leaves me standing

She lives with an orange tree
The girl that does yoga
Got a wolf to keep her warm
When he comes over

She gives
He gets
Without giving anything to see

And the day it ends
And the day it
And the day it ends
And there's no need for me

The girl that does yoga
When we come over
The girl that does yoga

"You Belong To Me" -- Jason Wade
See the pyramids around the Nile
Watch the sunrise from the tropic isle
Just remember darling, all the while
You belong to me

See the marketplace in old Algiers
Send me photographs and souvenirs
Just remember when a dream appears
You belong to me

And I'll be so alone without you
Maybe you'll be lonesome too

Fly the ocean in a silver plane
See the jungle when it's wet with rain
Just remember till you're home again
You belong to me

Oh I'll be so alone without you
Maybe you'll be lonesome too

Fly the ocean in a silver plane
See the jungle when it's wet with rain
Just remember till you're home again
You belong to me

"Something Fine" -- Jackson Browne
The papers lie there helplessly
In a pile outside the door
I've tried and tried, but I just cant remember what they're for
The world outside is tugging like a beggar at my sleeve
Oh, that's much too old a story to believe

And you know that it's taken its share of me
Even though you take such good care of me
Now you say Morocco and that makes me smile
I haven't seen Morocco in a long, long while
The dreams are rolling down across the places in my mind
And I've just had a taste of something fine

The future hides and the past just slides
England lies between
Floating in a silver mist so cold and so clean
California's shaking like an angry child will
Who has asked for love and is unanswered still

And you know that I'm looking back carefully
'Cause I know that there's still something there for me
But you said Morocco and you made me smile
And it hasn't been that easy for a long, long while
And looking back into your eyes I saw them really shine
Giving me a taste of something fine
Something fine

Now if you see Morocco I know you'll go in style
I may not see Morocco for a little while
But while you're there I was hoping you might keep it in your mind
To save me just a taste of something fine.




P.S.: I hope you find moments like this. I really do. And I hope you'll realize how precious they are. I hope you'll enjoy them like I have, and I hope you know what it would mean to me that you are happy.

I don't know what to say about all of this.
February already seems like it was ages ago -- in terms of school, at least. I graduated last Thursday, and visited Whitestone Academy yesterday to hang out with my Creative Writing teacher for a bit (he awarded me at graduation for being at the top of my class, by the way), and when I saw a couple of my fellow graduates at the school, I felt as if I'd known them my whole life. But I've really only known them since February. And I only started really talking to a lot of them at prom.
It's just that these people are all I really have to remember high school by. These past four years are over. And it's just starting to sink in.
I don't like it. I should have had better times while I was still in high school.

PROM '09!!! (a week late with the pictures -- oh, well.)

Awesome. Freakin'. Night.
Sadly, I didn't have my own camera on me, so I can't provide full photographic coverage, but these are the pictures I've gotten from other people -- and there are a couple more on the way, so hang tight.

Welcome to the Waldorf=Astoria -- where chandeliers and other shiny motifs of high class abound!

Chilling at my post (at which I could easily avoid the dance floor) with occasional company.

With Mr. J's arrival, the party finally began to live up to its name...and I decided, at last, to join in (See? There I am -- in the background, with Dance Partner #1! Let's zoom in...).

My expression = *grumble* "I haven't even started to dance yet, why are you taking pictures?" *grumble*
I learned early, after several awkward moments, that the dance floor could not be avoided forever. (However, I owe the girl in this picture for getting me out there in the first place.)

On the floor with Dance Partner #2!

On the floor with Dance Partner #2 -- as well as Dance Partners #3 and #4, who swept in from across the room.
(I must a better dancer than I once thought.)

Ladies and gentlemen, the Graduation Cake has reached the dance floor!

CLASS OF '09!!!

I got called into the stretch Hummer for a nostalgic ride home in good company.

Don't grow up too fast
And don't embrace the past
This life's too good to last
And I'm too young to care...
-- from "Blackout" by Muse

This was a night I'll never forget.

Miss Communication

It would seem you've been
Reading my words to mean
Things that I never intended to say

(And now I see) When they came across
All that they meant was lost
And all that I wanted was bent out of shape

(All I wanted was) To know I had turned out alright in the end
Not to take steps back or to go there again
(But just) To know if maybe now I'm worth more
Than the fool I was then
And if I even deserve a friend --
I just hope that this miscommunication's at an end

The old is leading me into the new.

We are a beautiful letdown.

Well...it would seem I'm on my own again. Kit bowed out.
It was the kind of breakup that sneaks up on you: brief, quiet, without incident -- the kind of breakup that stings all the worse for its sudden silence, but demands that you hide the pain away and soldier on.
I really don't want to let something like this just end. It means too much to me; I want to fight tooth and nail to hold onto that happiness, that sense of belonging. And yet, I simply don't have the option. All I can do is move forward. Ignore her absence. Take the pain and suppress it.
All I can do is pick up where I left off on February 2nd...without her.

"Dreaming With A Broken Heart" by John Mayer:
When you're dreaming with a broken heart
The waking up is the hardest part
You roll out of bed and down onto your knees
And for a moment you can hardly breathe
Wondering, "Was she really here?
Is she standing in my room?"
No, she's not --
'Cause she's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone...

When you're dreaming with a broken heart
The giving up is the hardest part
She takes you in with her crying eyes
Then all at once, you have to say goodbye
Wondering, "Could you stay, my love?
Will you wake up by my side?"
No, she can't --
'Cause she's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone...

Do I have to fall asleep with roses in my hand?
Do I have to fall asleep with roses in my hand?
Do I have to fall asleep with roses in my hand?
Do I have to fall asleep with roses in my hand?
...And would you get them, if I did?
No, you won't --
'Cause you're gone, gone, gone, gone, gone...

When you're dreaming with a broken heart
The waking up is the hardest part...

I realize, already, that I can't change the state of things -- and that, even if I could, I'd rather avoid making matters worse by forcing anything.
So, the present has its shortcomings, and that's fine, because I won't let it stop me from facing tomorrow. I've got books to write; tunes to play; songs to sing; and a world full of challenges, just waiting for me -- I plan to hit it at full throttle. So what if I'm flying solo?

"The Beautiful Letdown" by Switchfoot:
It was a beautiful letdown
When I crashed and burned
When I found myself alone
Unknown and hurt
It was a beautiful letdown
The day I knew
That all the riches this world had to offer me
Would never do

In a world full of bitter pain
And bitter doubts
I was trying so hard to fit in, fit in
Until I found out:

I don't belong here (I don't belong)
I don't belong here (I don't belong)
I will carry a cross with a song
Where I don't belong
I don't belong

It was a beautiful letdown
When you found me here
Yeah, for once in a rare blue moon
I see everything clear
I'll be a beautiful letdown
That's what I'll forever be
And though it may cost my soul
I'll sing for free

We're still chasing our tails
In the rising sun
And our dark water planet's still spinning in a race
Where no one wins, and no one's won.

I don't belong here (I don't belong)
I don't belong here (I don't belong)
I will carry a cross with a song
Where I don't belong (I don't belong)

I don't belong here (I don't belong)
I don't belong here (I don't belong)
I'm going to set sight
And set sail for the kingdom come.
Your kingdom come.
Won't you let me down!
Let my foolish pride forever let me down.

Easy living, you're not much like the name
Easy dying, you look just about the same
Would you please take me off your list?
Easy living, please come on and let me down.

We are a beautiful letdown
Painfully uncool
The church of the drop-outs, the losers,
The sinners, the failures, and the fools.
What a beautiful letdown
Are we salt in the wound?
Let us sing one true tune:

I don't belong here (I don't belong) x 6
I don't belong

Won't you let me down?
Come on and let me down.
You always let me down.
So glad that I'm let down.
Come on and let me down,
'Cause I don't belong here.
Please, won't you let me down?

Bayside's Still Got It!

Since, during my time with the Bayside High School chess team, we did so well at the Project Chess: City Council Cup, Chess in the Schools decided to have their next tournament take place in Bayside.
Thus, the Tony Avella Chess Tournament: date, 4.25.'09.
So my old team competed in their second tournament yesterday.
I'm sorry -- "we" competed in "our" second tournament.
Because Whitestone Academy is affiliated with Bayside High, I'm allowed to participate in all meetings and tournaments and such with my team, and I get to stay captain. What a relief!
So we got to work, and swept the floor, grabbing first place as a team (on a personal note, I matched my previous win-loss record of 3-1)-- now that's two tournaments, two trophies in the case for Bayside!
Look for my team in the next edition of The Bayside Times here.

Reunion.

As you may remember, my beloved Gloria took a fall in the beginning of January...and broke her neck. (I may not have disclosed that little detail before, but here it is.) I thought her irreparable -- but sent her away to a luthier regardless -- and have since made do with an acoustic guitar too small for me, which I can't play on extensively.
It's been an excruciating two-and-a-half months. Sure, I've had my bass, Fenix, to keep me company, but without Gloria...I was an artist without an outlet. A musician without a muse.
And then, two days ago, I was given the best news I could have imagined...
Today I was reunited with Gloria...
And I'm whole again. There are no words.

Metamorphosis.

Life has changed a lot for me since the beginning of February -- a lot has happened, a lot of people have come and gone. This fact is just catching up to me now, at six in the morning, having had the past two hours awake to think about it...
1) I finally returned to good terms with Liz -- which wiped clean a year's worth of self-loathing-influenced perspectives;
2) I transferred to Whitestone Academy -- and now, after almost four years of being trapped in the unstimulating Bayside High, I'm acing all of my classes and set for a June diploma, as well as reunited with my old friends Josh and Melissa;
3) I met Kit -- who, from day one, flipped my world on its head, and who is teaching me how good life can be;
4) I turned 18 -- and after years of depending on everyone around me, I'm suddenly shifting into a different mindset and am finally taking a little initiative (for one, I opened a checking account with Chase, and am waiting for a debit card in the mail: job applications come next).

(There are a lot more changes to list, but those will come at a later date.)

On a different note: I went to Graham's last night with Kit, and yet again -- I don't think I wrote about the last instance of this, but my description now should suffice -- a party built up while we were there. People arrived; music got louder; atmosphere got lighter; jokes and stories were exchanged. I had a few of my typical moments, in a good way, and I have now accepted "Sweetness" (by Jimmy Eat World) as my anthem. A playlist I've assembled since then, titled in keeping with a joke I share with my brother, follows:

"Sweetness" - Jimmy Eat World
"We Will Become Silhouettes" - The Shins
"Letters" - Stroke 9
"Best of Me" - The Starting Line
"Straw Dog" - Something Corporate
"As You Sleep" - Something Corporate
"Full Moon" - The Black Ghosts
"Living In Chaos" - The Offspring
"So Far Away" - Staind
"...Slowdance on the Inside" - Taking Back Sunday
"I Woke Up in a Car" - Something Corporate
"The Last Song" - All-American Rejects
"Save Yourself" - Rise Against
"Time" - Hootie & the Blowfish
"Where Is My Mind?" - Pixies
"I Want To Save You" - Something Corporate
"The World You Love" - Jimmy Eat World
"23" - Jimmy Eat World
"All Star" - Smash Mouth
"Mr. Jones" - Counting Crows
"Knights of the Island Counter" - Dave Melilo
"Slow Down" - The Academy Is...
"It's For The Best" - Straylight Run
"The Boys of Summer" - The Ataris
"Starlight" - Muse
"Existentialism on Prom Night" - Straylight Run
"Move Along" - All-American Rejects
"Real World" - Matchbox Twenty
"Grand Theft Autumn/Where Is Your Boy" - Fall Out Boy
"Heaven" - Los Lonely Boys
"Disloyal Order of Water Buffaloes" - Fall Out Boy
"Konstantine" - Something Corporate
"Back To You" - John Mayer
"Swing Life Away" - Rise Against
"Into The Night (feat. Chad Kroeger)" - Santana
"Night Drive" - Jimmy Eat World
"Sweetness" - Jimmy Eat World

How has your life been changed recently?

Good Company.

I have to say, I spent the past 30 or so hours in very good company. Last night was a movie, dinner at Applebees, and a night over at Geanine's, with Kit and Grant and Leo and Megan and Juliana and Danny -- celebrating four birthdays at once. We went into the wrong theater to watch "I Love You Man," instead getting stuck with "The Fast and the Furious 4"; had a minor drag down Francis Lewis with our two-car party; Kit violated Grant with numerous stuffed animals. All business as usual with Geanine & Co.
And now we wait for Kit's mother to pick her up from my house, and I find myself wasting time and falling into missing her already.
I'll post up pictures at a later time.

Transfer. (GET ME OUT OF THIS SYSTEM ALREADY!)

I'm chronicling my misadventures in Whitestone Academy: let's begin with Days One and Three (Day Two offered no time to take pictures)...

This is Josh Ross, old friend from sophomore year at Bayside.
We are in 3rd period Marine Biology, where the principal swings in to give us three questions, and leaves for the rest of the period. Josh had working duty on the 2nd (Day One).
This is Melissa Reres, sister of non-relation from sophomore year.
We are in 3rd period Marine Biology (but you know about that by now).
She thought she had DJ duty on the 2nd, but she had not yet seen my skills with the Mighty Playlist.
This is Kit.
We are in 3rd period Marine Biology.
She's hiding from the flash of my camera, and demands that I delete this photo.
This is me and Kit in 3pMB on Day Three, after her eyes have adjusted to my camera's flash. She makes sure I never want to skip class.

Josh had work duty again on Day Three, poor soul.

This girl is the death of me.
I swear.

Yes, Really.

I spent my day getting reacquainted with myself. It's been a long, long time...
Raise your hand if you've heard "Carry This Picture" by Dashboard Confessional.
How about "Pressing On" by Reliant K?

Well, here's a dose of each. Enjoy!

Carry this picture for luck
Kept in a locket
Tucked in your collar
Close to your chest
Make it a secret
Shown to the closest friends

Meet me at quarter-to-seven
The sun will still shine then
At this time of year
We'll head to the inlet
And we'll share a bottle there

And color the coast with your smile --
It's the most genuine thing
I've ever seen.
I was so lost,
But now I believe.


I think we're going somewhere.
We're onto something good here.
Out of mind, out of state --
Trying to keep my head on straight.

I think we're going somewhere.
We're onto something good here.
There's only one thing left to do:
Drop all I have and go with you.

Somewhere back there, I left my worries all behind.
My problems fell out of the back of my mind.
We're going and I'm never knowing where we're going.
To go back to where I was would just be wrong --
I'm pressing on.

"That Girl."

Yes, that one --
The one that's had me saying "I'm fine" for the past year, when I really wasn't;
The one that had me choosing my guitar over the company of my friends, writing songs;
The one that had me visiting old places, just for the sake of trying to remember what my subconscious locked away from me;
The one who left that most permanent sort of mark.
The one who had me flying and falling and hitting my head on the ceiling.

Yeah. That one. You all know I haven't hit my head on the ceiling for anyone else.

January 29th brought me back around. She told me to hit the send button, and I did, and I was finally proven wrong about everything I've held in my core for so many months.
And it feels great. It really does.
I don't mind being alone anymore. If I get to believe in something different...it's actually alright.
Thank you. Again. I really can't say it enough.

Two Years Ago, Today...

I made one of the best decisions of my life, which led to my greatest downfall.
Not a day goes by anymore where someone doesn't remind me of that past, where I'm not put on my furious edge, where Liz's name isn't spoken...I swear, I could put holes in the next person who mentions her this January 29th.
That was then...

...and this is now.

Learn to understand that, people. I PREFER to be left alone about this. It's how I'm meant to be.

Gloria

My sweet Gloria
You saw me growing up
And everyone saw
You were growing on me

We both watched Elizabeth leave
Said goodbye to Michelle and Silvia and Geanine
And you held me all the way through
You were singing my blues

My fingers bled dry
I'd play any guitar just as hard as I had cried
The first night she was gone
But nothing felt right
Unless it was you in my arms

Since that day when I carried you
In through my door
You carried me through more
Than I could ever say
Now I can only say:

My sweet Gloria
I'm not done with this growing up
And I don't think I ever will be
Since you left me a guitarist without a heart

Now that our days are done
And all of your songs have been sung
I pray that you'll remember each kiss;
I'll remember for ages to come...

"Not So Secret" by...me

With a smile you could will this room to silence
You should will this room to silence
So we all can soak your eyes in
As you tell us to confide in
You would never say a thing, no
You would never judge
Not one among us
Strangers all, but...

"Tell me a secret"
You can see that
I'm a man of many masks
The last one you'd expect to ask
And get the answer that you'd like
To know, who am I really?
Underneath all of these subtle clues
It's up to you to find
My troubled truths
The puzzle's not that hard to solve --
It's not so secret after all
It's not so secret after all

If I could leave everyone behind
And have just you and I
You know I'd take the chance
And take the slowest dance
You know I'd
Let you get to know me
As no one knows me
Past the masks and empty shows
If I could wake up to your glow
I'd take you anywhere
You know I want to save you
I want to take you
Far away from all this pain
Somewhere good things stay the same
It's not so secret after all

"Tell me a secret"
You can see that
I'm a man of many masks
The last one you'd expect to ask
And get the answer that you'd like
To know, who am I really?
Underneath all of these subtle clues
It's up to you to find
My troubled truths
The puzzle's not that hard to solve
And that I wish for something more is not that hard to call
It looks like it's not so secret after all
It's not so secret after all

It's for the best.

I'm feeling strange right now.
I don't know what to call this state of mind, or this outlook, or whatever you want to call it; I don't know whether to consider it good or bad, or whether it should even be considered at all.
One second I'm looking forward and feeling optimistic; the next I'm looking back and feeling hopeless; the second after that, I'm looking at the here and now and honestly, it leaves me not feeling at all.
Is apathy better than pain?
But then again, I wouldn't call this apathy, because there's the optimism, and because I'm feeling pretty good when I think about my fresh start with Geanine (which is so fresh that we're cracking first-meeting jokes and saying "good night, stranger.", and it's all laughs and smiles again). I only hope that this time, I can hold on to the positive for a change.
God damn, I know it's only 5 a.m. here in Chicago, but I'm already thinking about how I return to New York tomorrow, and I really don't want to leave my bro's place. I really don't want to leave this place that feels so much more like home to me.

"It's For The Best" by Straylight Run:
It takes more time than I've ever had;
Drains the life from me,
Makes me want to forget.
As young as I was
I felt older back then:
More disciplined,
Stronger and certain.
But I was scared to death of eternity --
I was saved by grace,
But destroyed by naivety...
And I lied to myself
And said it was for the best.

And now faith is replaced with a logic so cold --
I've disregarded what I was
Now that I'm older.
And I know much more than I did back then,
But the more I learn
The more I can't understand.
And I've become content with this life that I lead,
Where I drink too much and don't believe in much of anything
And I lie to myself
And say it's for the best.

We're moving forward
But holding ourselves back
And we're waiting on something that will never come...

We're moving forward
But holding ourselves back
And we're waiting on something that will never come...

We're moving forward
But holding ourselves back
And we're waiting on something that will never come...

We're moving forward
But holding ourselves back
And we're waiting on something that will never come...

We're moving forward
But holding ourselves back
And we're waiting on something that will never come...

We're moving forward
But holding ourselves back
And we're waiting on something that will never come...

And we're waiting on something that will never come.

The New Year

So this is the new year
And I don't feel any different...

I wish the world was flat like the old days
Then I could travel just by folding the map
No more airplanes, or speedtrains, or freeways
There'd be no distance that could hold us back

There'd be no distance that could hold us back...

So this is the new year...

One fresh start down; three more to go. (Yes, I had in mind particular people to start over with -- you guessed right. But Liz isn't one of them, so no congratulatory cookie for you. You think I'm that pathetic?) I spent last night at my dad's place (!), playing guitar and mingling and talking and mixing & matching coquito and champagne and chambord.
And I made a resolution that I doubt I can pull off in a year. It has nothing to do with my books. It has nothing to do with romance. It has nothing to do with music. It has nothing to do with habits that I want to kick or start. It's simply another story for another time.

I've been listening to Clair de Lune a lot lately. Don't ask me why, I don't really know. It's just...beautiful. It gets a new sort of train of thought going in my head that no other music can put there. I'm enjoying it. It makes me feel incredibly lonely, and I'm not enjoying that, but as far as aesthetics go I could not be happier.