We are a beautiful letdown.

Well...it would seem I'm on my own again. Kit bowed out.
It was the kind of breakup that sneaks up on you: brief, quiet, without incident -- the kind of breakup that stings all the worse for its sudden silence, but demands that you hide the pain away and soldier on.
I really don't want to let something like this just end. It means too much to me; I want to fight tooth and nail to hold onto that happiness, that sense of belonging. And yet, I simply don't have the option. All I can do is move forward. Ignore her absence. Take the pain and suppress it.
All I can do is pick up where I left off on February 2nd...without her.

"Dreaming With A Broken Heart" by John Mayer:
When you're dreaming with a broken heart
The waking up is the hardest part
You roll out of bed and down onto your knees
And for a moment you can hardly breathe
Wondering, "Was she really here?
Is she standing in my room?"
No, she's not --
'Cause she's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone...

When you're dreaming with a broken heart
The giving up is the hardest part
She takes you in with her crying eyes
Then all at once, you have to say goodbye
Wondering, "Could you stay, my love?
Will you wake up by my side?"
No, she can't --
'Cause she's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone...

Do I have to fall asleep with roses in my hand?
Do I have to fall asleep with roses in my hand?
Do I have to fall asleep with roses in my hand?
Do I have to fall asleep with roses in my hand?
...And would you get them, if I did?
No, you won't --
'Cause you're gone, gone, gone, gone, gone...

When you're dreaming with a broken heart
The waking up is the hardest part...

I realize, already, that I can't change the state of things -- and that, even if I could, I'd rather avoid making matters worse by forcing anything.
So, the present has its shortcomings, and that's fine, because I won't let it stop me from facing tomorrow. I've got books to write; tunes to play; songs to sing; and a world full of challenges, just waiting for me -- I plan to hit it at full throttle. So what if I'm flying solo?

"The Beautiful Letdown" by Switchfoot:
It was a beautiful letdown
When I crashed and burned
When I found myself alone
Unknown and hurt
It was a beautiful letdown
The day I knew
That all the riches this world had to offer me
Would never do

In a world full of bitter pain
And bitter doubts
I was trying so hard to fit in, fit in
Until I found out:

I don't belong here (I don't belong)
I don't belong here (I don't belong)
I will carry a cross with a song
Where I don't belong
I don't belong

It was a beautiful letdown
When you found me here
Yeah, for once in a rare blue moon
I see everything clear
I'll be a beautiful letdown
That's what I'll forever be
And though it may cost my soul
I'll sing for free

We're still chasing our tails
In the rising sun
And our dark water planet's still spinning in a race
Where no one wins, and no one's won.

I don't belong here (I don't belong)
I don't belong here (I don't belong)
I will carry a cross with a song
Where I don't belong (I don't belong)

I don't belong here (I don't belong)
I don't belong here (I don't belong)
I'm going to set sight
And set sail for the kingdom come.
Your kingdom come.
Won't you let me down!
Let my foolish pride forever let me down.

Easy living, you're not much like the name
Easy dying, you look just about the same
Would you please take me off your list?
Easy living, please come on and let me down.

We are a beautiful letdown
Painfully uncool
The church of the drop-outs, the losers,
The sinners, the failures, and the fools.
What a beautiful letdown
Are we salt in the wound?
Let us sing one true tune:

I don't belong here (I don't belong) x 6
I don't belong

Won't you let me down?
Come on and let me down.
You always let me down.
So glad that I'm let down.
Come on and let me down,
'Cause I don't belong here.
Please, won't you let me down?

Bayside's Still Got It!

Since, during my time with the Bayside High School chess team, we did so well at the Project Chess: City Council Cup, Chess in the Schools decided to have their next tournament take place in Bayside.
Thus, the Tony Avella Chess Tournament: date, 4.25.'09.
So my old team competed in their second tournament yesterday.
I'm sorry -- "we" competed in "our" second tournament.
Because Whitestone Academy is affiliated with Bayside High, I'm allowed to participate in all meetings and tournaments and such with my team, and I get to stay captain. What a relief!
So we got to work, and swept the floor, grabbing first place as a team (on a personal note, I matched my previous win-loss record of 3-1)-- now that's two tournaments, two trophies in the case for Bayside!
Look for my team in the next edition of The Bayside Times here.

Reunion.

As you may remember, my beloved Gloria took a fall in the beginning of January...and broke her neck. (I may not have disclosed that little detail before, but here it is.) I thought her irreparable -- but sent her away to a luthier regardless -- and have since made do with an acoustic guitar too small for me, which I can't play on extensively.
It's been an excruciating two-and-a-half months. Sure, I've had my bass, Fenix, to keep me company, but without Gloria...I was an artist without an outlet. A musician without a muse.
And then, two days ago, I was given the best news I could have imagined...
Today I was reunited with Gloria...
And I'm whole again. There are no words.

Metamorphosis.

Life has changed a lot for me since the beginning of February -- a lot has happened, a lot of people have come and gone. This fact is just catching up to me now, at six in the morning, having had the past two hours awake to think about it...
1) I finally returned to good terms with Liz -- which wiped clean a year's worth of self-loathing-influenced perspectives;
2) I transferred to Whitestone Academy -- and now, after almost four years of being trapped in the unstimulating Bayside High, I'm acing all of my classes and set for a June diploma, as well as reunited with my old friends Josh and Melissa;
3) I met Kit -- who, from day one, flipped my world on its head, and who is teaching me how good life can be;
4) I turned 18 -- and after years of depending on everyone around me, I'm suddenly shifting into a different mindset and am finally taking a little initiative (for one, I opened a checking account with Chase, and am waiting for a debit card in the mail: job applications come next).

(There are a lot more changes to list, but those will come at a later date.)

On a different note: I went to Graham's last night with Kit, and yet again -- I don't think I wrote about the last instance of this, but my description now should suffice -- a party built up while we were there. People arrived; music got louder; atmosphere got lighter; jokes and stories were exchanged. I had a few of my typical moments, in a good way, and I have now accepted "Sweetness" (by Jimmy Eat World) as my anthem. A playlist I've assembled since then, titled in keeping with a joke I share with my brother, follows:

"Sweetness" - Jimmy Eat World
"We Will Become Silhouettes" - The Shins
"Letters" - Stroke 9
"Best of Me" - The Starting Line
"Straw Dog" - Something Corporate
"As You Sleep" - Something Corporate
"Full Moon" - The Black Ghosts
"Living In Chaos" - The Offspring
"So Far Away" - Staind
"...Slowdance on the Inside" - Taking Back Sunday
"I Woke Up in a Car" - Something Corporate
"The Last Song" - All-American Rejects
"Save Yourself" - Rise Against
"Time" - Hootie & the Blowfish
"Where Is My Mind?" - Pixies
"I Want To Save You" - Something Corporate
"The World You Love" - Jimmy Eat World
"23" - Jimmy Eat World
"All Star" - Smash Mouth
"Mr. Jones" - Counting Crows
"Knights of the Island Counter" - Dave Melilo
"Slow Down" - The Academy Is...
"It's For The Best" - Straylight Run
"The Boys of Summer" - The Ataris
"Starlight" - Muse
"Existentialism on Prom Night" - Straylight Run
"Move Along" - All-American Rejects
"Real World" - Matchbox Twenty
"Grand Theft Autumn/Where Is Your Boy" - Fall Out Boy
"Heaven" - Los Lonely Boys
"Disloyal Order of Water Buffaloes" - Fall Out Boy
"Konstantine" - Something Corporate
"Back To You" - John Mayer
"Swing Life Away" - Rise Against
"Into The Night (feat. Chad Kroeger)" - Santana
"Night Drive" - Jimmy Eat World
"Sweetness" - Jimmy Eat World

How has your life been changed recently?

Good Company.

I have to say, I spent the past 30 or so hours in very good company. Last night was a movie, dinner at Applebees, and a night over at Geanine's, with Kit and Grant and Leo and Megan and Juliana and Danny -- celebrating four birthdays at once. We went into the wrong theater to watch "I Love You Man," instead getting stuck with "The Fast and the Furious 4"; had a minor drag down Francis Lewis with our two-car party; Kit violated Grant with numerous stuffed animals. All business as usual with Geanine & Co.
And now we wait for Kit's mother to pick her up from my house, and I find myself wasting time and falling into missing her already.
I'll post up pictures at a later time.