Self explanatory.
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
Thursday, March 20, 2008
Big Haircut
"From now on, you will be known as 'Big Haircut'."
---Andy Bernard, to Jim Halpert
The Office
as of yesterday, my hair is shorter than ever. i don't know why i just made such a big deal out of the whole Big Haircut thing...
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
Excerpt from "A Feeling Like Home"
Me and Megan were hanging out under the gazebo on North Park's campus, both of us hiding from the rain.
Megan turned to me with this weird look. "Are you okay?" she asked.
I thought for a second before I nodded.
"Are you sure?"
I sighed. "No."
"That's what I thought." She sat down, and I sat down next to her. Rain was kind of hitting the back of my head, but I didn't care.
After a minute of it being quiet, I just said, "I'm feeling like Jon."
Megan laughed. "That can't be good."
"I mean, you know how he says nothing feels like home? How it feels as if there's no place to really belong?"
"Yeah."
"That's where I'm at right now."
Megan watched me for a while, just the two of us sitting there. "Is it Laura?"
"No," I spat. "I don't give a damn about her."
"You loved her."
"It was pointless! She was just leading me on!"
She quieted down, letting the rain fall, and I started getting a hold of myself.
"So you don't feel at home with your friends?" she asked eventually. She had her eyes on the floor, and I noticed that her hair was getting wet.
"It just feels like we're all out of place."
"Even when we're laughing it up and having fun?"
"Yes! Even then!"
She was watching me again, and I had to look away. "Sam?" She pulled my eyes to hers. "I'm just trying to help you here. You know that, right?"
"Yeah." It kind of hurt, realizing that I wanted her help more than anything else but wasn't accepting it. I think it showed.
That's when she kissed me.
And I kissed her back, because I didn't know what else to do, and this girl actually cared about me, and because right then I didn't want anything else than to be with her.
And then something in the back of my head thought, Oh, crap, Danny's going to kill me.
Something else said, Oh well.
Megan turned to me with this weird look. "Are you okay?" she asked.
I thought for a second before I nodded.
"Are you sure?"
I sighed. "No."
"That's what I thought." She sat down, and I sat down next to her. Rain was kind of hitting the back of my head, but I didn't care.
After a minute of it being quiet, I just said, "I'm feeling like Jon."
Megan laughed. "That can't be good."
"I mean, you know how he says nothing feels like home? How it feels as if there's no place to really belong?"
"Yeah."
"That's where I'm at right now."
Megan watched me for a while, just the two of us sitting there. "Is it Laura?"
"No," I spat. "I don't give a damn about her."
"You loved her."
"It was pointless! She was just leading me on!"
She quieted down, letting the rain fall, and I started getting a hold of myself.
"So you don't feel at home with your friends?" she asked eventually. She had her eyes on the floor, and I noticed that her hair was getting wet.
"It just feels like we're all out of place."
"Even when we're laughing it up and having fun?"
"Yes! Even then!"
She was watching me again, and I had to look away. "Sam?" She pulled my eyes to hers. "I'm just trying to help you here. You know that, right?"
"Yeah." It kind of hurt, realizing that I wanted her help more than anything else but wasn't accepting it. I think it showed.
That's when she kissed me.
And I kissed her back, because I didn't know what else to do, and this girl actually cared about me, and because right then I didn't want anything else than to be with her.
And then something in the back of my head thought, Oh, crap, Danny's going to kill me.
Something else said, Oh well.
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
When the Lights Go Down
well, i'd say i'm over you
i'm going about my business
but then when i think of you
my god, do i miss it
(but that's just)
when the lights go down
that i remember what we were all about
just living for every moment
and I think "why am i not over this?"
when the lights go down
sometimes i still hear the sound
of your tired breathing in my ear
god, WHAT ARE YOU STILL DOING HERE?!
and i wake up in the morning
all the painful memories are gone
i'm done with my mourning
and i'm playing my happy songs
(but i can't help thinking)
that when the lights go down
i'll always remember what we were all about
just living for every moment
and that's just how i'll get over this
yeah, i've gotta live for the moment
just live for every moment...
when the lights go down
and i've got myself all figured out
then hopefully i'll have you
back here with me
i'm going about my business
but then when i think of you
my god, do i miss it
(but that's just)
when the lights go down
that i remember what we were all about
just living for every moment
and I think "why am i not over this?"
when the lights go down
sometimes i still hear the sound
of your tired breathing in my ear
god, WHAT ARE YOU STILL DOING HERE?!
and i wake up in the morning
all the painful memories are gone
i'm done with my mourning
and i'm playing my happy songs
(but i can't help thinking)
that when the lights go down
i'll always remember what we were all about
just living for every moment
and that's just how i'll get over this
yeah, i've gotta live for the moment
just live for every moment...
when the lights go down
and i've got myself all figured out
then hopefully i'll have you
back here with me
Thursday, March 13, 2008
Proving Ground
My sister recently compiled a list of 100 things about her. I decided, why not try it myself? It could be an interesting proving ground.
1. I enjoy proving myself. Proving grounds are healthy for my ego.
2. I rarely enjoy complimenting myself,
3. but I love privately feeding my aforementioned ego.
4. I am horrible at compiling lists.
5. And at writing about myself.
6. Writing, though, I like to think I'm good at.
7. I have only ever finished the rough draft for one of my novels.
8. I am the king of procrastination. I'm at my best on that tight, last-minute rush of the deadline approaching.
9. I can't whistle. I really wish I could. I only pull it off on accidental occasions.
10. I laugh every time I see a cop with a doughnut. Which is pretty often, since I live near a Dunkin Donuts.
11. I have been told I'm wierd becuase my musical taste ranges from the likes of Billy Joel to Linkin Park.
12. I'm thoroughly suprised that I've made it this far into my list without much effort.
13. I remember the names of all my elementary school teachers.
14. (Yes, I'm sentimental, I know).
15. I also remember how I used to hold the "artist of the month" title for months in a row, and my third-grade teacher still wants me to draw a picture of her.
16. I always managed to talk myself out of drawing that picture.
17. I suck at drawing faces.
18. And people in general.
19. Unless something particularly gripping has my enthusiasm and interest, I have a random habit of recalling the mistakes and embarrassments of my past and getting irritated at myself over them.
20. I have a very bad relationship with myself because of this.
21. I am beginning to realize that, since I'm only one-fifth into this list, I may reveal some information about myself that will lead to further embarrassments to grow irritated at myself over. Brace yourselves.
22. I am a caffeine addict.
23. I have selective insomnia. When I have something that I want to work on, I can go days in a row working on it, with little or no sleep.
24. Don't worry, I catch up on sleep later.
25. I become alternatively obsessed with (1)writing, (2)learning songs on bass/electric guitar, and (3)studying/playing chess.
26. I am in a chessic slump right now.
27. I have recently become known for scattering chess pieces in frustration when playing games against myself, my slump has gotten so bad.
28. I'm getting irritated with the idiots in my band class who refuse to grow up.
29. The title of "favorite artist" fluctuates often for me. It's held by Jack Johnson at the moment for his song "Angel", but at other times it has been held by John Mayer (for "No Such Thing" and "Stitched Up"), Billy Joel (for "It's Still Rock and Roll to Me"), The Good Life (for their album "Album of the Year"), and The Kings of Convenience (for "Cayman Islands" and "Homesick").
30. I am a self-proclaimed pyro. I like playing with lighters and making big fires. (Any colleges reading this, don't worry; I don't like lighting property ablaze--only firewood, and dead lighters for the big bang they make.)
31. Midwinter and early spring are my favorite times of the year.
32. In the case of the former, not for the cold--for the snow.
33. In the case of the latter...well, it's spring. C'mon.
34. I, like my sister, am a fan of minimalism; but alas, I, too, am a sentimental pack rat.
35. I, like my sister, am indecisive. But when there's something I'm certain about, I don't budge.
36. I wish I could travel more.
37. I plan to someday ( maybe around my mid-thirties) tour Europe with my dad and film a documentary of our adventures as a memento. Just for the heck of it, I'll name my camcorder Charlie so I could title the documentary "Travels With Charlie".
38. Holy crap. In less than two weeks, I'll be 17.
39. I wish I knew some sort of Spanish dance. That, and the language, are two elements of my heritage that I really want to get into.
40. I have split personalities. At times, I see my future in a cramped apartment overlooking Central Park; at others, I see it in a house in the country with acres of land to enjoy myself in; and at still other times I see my future in a mansion on the Spanish cliffs.
41. I feel like that last dream of mine is a bit overambitious, but hey, we all have something overambitious in us (if you think you don't, look deeper).
42. Whenever I am watching TV, I am either watching The Office, the Discovery channel, or the Science channel.
43. Yes, I am a science junkie.
44. I idolize Jim Halpert from The Office. In case you haven't noticed, he is the man.
45. Although I already have an overwhelming amount of interests and hobbies (just a few examples: chess, poetry writing, poetry reading, novel writing, novel reading [I'm not such a fan of nonfiction], playing guitar, playing bass, drawing, painting, working out and singing/songwriting), I am always keen on getting something else in my repertoire.
46. Some of the things I hope to get involved in are soccer and a rowing team.
47. I need to get into sports. What good is being in shape if you can't put yourself to some sort of test?
48. I like testing myself. Which is why, like I said before, I enjoy having a proving ground.
49. I have stage fright. Seriously.
50. One time, playing bass IN FRONT OF MY FAMILY, my hands were shaking so bad I barely managed a few songs.
51. I am the outsider at most parties. Partially because I'm busy on the sidelines trying to catch it all on camera.
52. Unlike my sister, I love to fly.
53. I also love to be out on the water. In a canoe. It just seems so picturesque.
54. Yes, I like to be picturesque. Not in a conceited or cocky way; it's just nice when it happens.
55. I have spent several hundred dollars on chess. No kidding.
56. I own over ten chess books and a set that cost $100.
57. I have type 2 bipolar disorder. Yes, this means I:
58. Have regular mood swings,
59. Think everything is my fault,
60. Am subject to occasional blinding rages, and
61. AM A GENIUS!
62. (That last one was a joke. I don't really think I'm a genius. Though usually bipolars are exceptionally gifted.)
63. I have been told by many that I am no exception to the "exceptionally gifted" stereotype.
64. My brother saved my life when I was two, from a falling elephant.
65. Yes, from a falling elephant. He took the lump on the head for me when I was tugging on a vine hanging from an elephant-shaped vase in our Chicago home.
66. My memory is selectively horrible.
67. For example: right now I am running back down this list to see what I've typed and what I haven't.
68. Possibly some of the best food I have ever consumed was at Victor's Cafe in the city. Their sangria is delicious, too.
69. I hate taxi drivers. They make traveling in the city such a pain for the other drivers. And they don't know how to use turn signals, I swear.
70. I hate getting new clothes. At the same time, though, I realize the necessity of it, and thus have an "Oh, well, let's get it over with" attitude.
71. Even with such an attitude about shopping, I always have a horrible time picking things out to buy.
72. My favorite color is indigo, because black is a shade. Otherwise it would be black.
73. I hope to one day have a home filled with books. As in, buckets and buckets of books scattered everywhere, in bookshelves and not.
74. I have a growing collection of DVDs as well. I love DVDs. I have about 50, from Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind to The Matrix.
75. I know Monty Python and the Holy Grail almost word-for-word.
76. The revelation that I'm three-quarters through this list just spurred me to heights of euphoria best left unmentioned.
77. Yes, I reach unmentionable heights of euphoria from facing challenges with my writing.
78. I prefer the train to the bus. The train just has "CITY" written all over it (not in graffiti).
79. I love being in the city. It's a writer's dream.
80. My favorite element of fiction writing is characterization.
81. In real life I pay so much attention to anyone's character that it amazes me sometimes. I'll be looking them in the eye and nodding to whatever they're saying, or responding to whatever stimulus they're putting forward, and I'll be thinking in my head, Now, if only I could find a book idea to toss this person into. They could be an amazing character for the role of...
82. I absolutely love sushi. I cannot understand how anyone (and that means Liz) would not want to try it.
83. Wasabi is by far my favorite spice, since it fades with relative ease.
84. I am afraid of heights.
85. At the Grand Canyon, I had to lie down when I got within 20 feet of the edge, because I was afraid I would fall. Stupid me.
86. I can spend five pages laying out the image of a sunset, and never tire of it.
87. I am selectively deaf. Call me all you want, I'm not stopping my writing.
88. I wish I could go into the city more often. Maybe next time I can go with my cousin Vincent.
89. I am never really sure if I am a city boy or a country lover at heart.
90. Judging by my taste in music, though, I'm a definite city boy.
91. I hate cleaning my room, but love seeing it clean. Predicament.
92. I hate it when people play loud music, unless it's good. Which means, "unless it's music I like".
93. Even then, though, I listen to some music that really isn't meant to be blasted.
94. Yes, I can be classy sometimes.
95. I enjoy being classy. It makes me feel smooth and invincible.
96. (That never lasts long. I always trip on the sidewalk a few seconds into it.)
97. I have compiled this entire list over the course of several days, on a computer in my band classroom, in my spare time after playing the required music. It's been tough.
98. I have a bad case of what they call "champagne taste, beer money".
99. Which explains why I burn my whole wallet whenever I'm in the city.
100. THERE WE GO! I'M DONE! WHO'S THE MAN?!
1. I enjoy proving myself. Proving grounds are healthy for my ego.
2. I rarely enjoy complimenting myself,
3. but I love privately feeding my aforementioned ego.
4. I am horrible at compiling lists.
5. And at writing about myself.
6. Writing, though, I like to think I'm good at.
7. I have only ever finished the rough draft for one of my novels.
8. I am the king of procrastination. I'm at my best on that tight, last-minute rush of the deadline approaching.
9. I can't whistle. I really wish I could. I only pull it off on accidental occasions.
10. I laugh every time I see a cop with a doughnut. Which is pretty often, since I live near a Dunkin Donuts.
11. I have been told I'm wierd becuase my musical taste ranges from the likes of Billy Joel to Linkin Park.
12. I'm thoroughly suprised that I've made it this far into my list without much effort.
13. I remember the names of all my elementary school teachers.
14. (Yes, I'm sentimental, I know).
15. I also remember how I used to hold the "artist of the month" title for months in a row, and my third-grade teacher still wants me to draw a picture of her.
16. I always managed to talk myself out of drawing that picture.
17. I suck at drawing faces.
18. And people in general.
19. Unless something particularly gripping has my enthusiasm and interest, I have a random habit of recalling the mistakes and embarrassments of my past and getting irritated at myself over them.
20. I have a very bad relationship with myself because of this.
21. I am beginning to realize that, since I'm only one-fifth into this list, I may reveal some information about myself that will lead to further embarrassments to grow irritated at myself over. Brace yourselves.
22. I am a caffeine addict.
23. I have selective insomnia. When I have something that I want to work on, I can go days in a row working on it, with little or no sleep.
24. Don't worry, I catch up on sleep later.
25. I become alternatively obsessed with (1)writing, (2)learning songs on bass/electric guitar, and (3)studying/playing chess.
26. I am in a chessic slump right now.
27. I have recently become known for scattering chess pieces in frustration when playing games against myself, my slump has gotten so bad.
28. I'm getting irritated with the idiots in my band class who refuse to grow up.
29. The title of "favorite artist" fluctuates often for me. It's held by Jack Johnson at the moment for his song "Angel", but at other times it has been held by John Mayer (for "No Such Thing" and "Stitched Up"), Billy Joel (for "It's Still Rock and Roll to Me"), The Good Life (for their album "Album of the Year"), and The Kings of Convenience (for "Cayman Islands" and "Homesick").
30. I am a self-proclaimed pyro. I like playing with lighters and making big fires. (Any colleges reading this, don't worry; I don't like lighting property ablaze--only firewood, and dead lighters for the big bang they make.)
31. Midwinter and early spring are my favorite times of the year.
32. In the case of the former, not for the cold--for the snow.
33. In the case of the latter...well, it's spring. C'mon.
34. I, like my sister, am a fan of minimalism; but alas, I, too, am a sentimental pack rat.
35. I, like my sister, am indecisive. But when there's something I'm certain about, I don't budge.
36. I wish I could travel more.
37. I plan to someday ( maybe around my mid-thirties) tour Europe with my dad and film a documentary of our adventures as a memento. Just for the heck of it, I'll name my camcorder Charlie so I could title the documentary "Travels With Charlie".
38. Holy crap. In less than two weeks, I'll be 17.
39. I wish I knew some sort of Spanish dance. That, and the language, are two elements of my heritage that I really want to get into.
40. I have split personalities. At times, I see my future in a cramped apartment overlooking Central Park; at others, I see it in a house in the country with acres of land to enjoy myself in; and at still other times I see my future in a mansion on the Spanish cliffs.
41. I feel like that last dream of mine is a bit overambitious, but hey, we all have something overambitious in us (if you think you don't, look deeper).
42. Whenever I am watching TV, I am either watching The Office, the Discovery channel, or the Science channel.
43. Yes, I am a science junkie.
44. I idolize Jim Halpert from The Office. In case you haven't noticed, he is the man.
45. Although I already have an overwhelming amount of interests and hobbies (just a few examples: chess, poetry writing, poetry reading, novel writing, novel reading [I'm not such a fan of nonfiction], playing guitar, playing bass, drawing, painting, working out and singing/songwriting), I am always keen on getting something else in my repertoire.
46. Some of the things I hope to get involved in are soccer and a rowing team.
47. I need to get into sports. What good is being in shape if you can't put yourself to some sort of test?
48. I like testing myself. Which is why, like I said before, I enjoy having a proving ground.
49. I have stage fright. Seriously.
50. One time, playing bass IN FRONT OF MY FAMILY, my hands were shaking so bad I barely managed a few songs.
51. I am the outsider at most parties. Partially because I'm busy on the sidelines trying to catch it all on camera.
52. Unlike my sister, I love to fly.
53. I also love to be out on the water. In a canoe. It just seems so picturesque.
54. Yes, I like to be picturesque. Not in a conceited or cocky way; it's just nice when it happens.
55. I have spent several hundred dollars on chess. No kidding.
56. I own over ten chess books and a set that cost $100.
57. I have type 2 bipolar disorder. Yes, this means I:
58. Have regular mood swings,
59. Think everything is my fault,
60. Am subject to occasional blinding rages, and
61. AM A GENIUS!
62. (That last one was a joke. I don't really think I'm a genius. Though usually bipolars are exceptionally gifted.)
63. I have been told by many that I am no exception to the "exceptionally gifted" stereotype.
64. My brother saved my life when I was two, from a falling elephant.
65. Yes, from a falling elephant. He took the lump on the head for me when I was tugging on a vine hanging from an elephant-shaped vase in our Chicago home.
66. My memory is selectively horrible.
67. For example: right now I am running back down this list to see what I've typed and what I haven't.
68. Possibly some of the best food I have ever consumed was at Victor's Cafe in the city. Their sangria is delicious, too.
69. I hate taxi drivers. They make traveling in the city such a pain for the other drivers. And they don't know how to use turn signals, I swear.
70. I hate getting new clothes. At the same time, though, I realize the necessity of it, and thus have an "Oh, well, let's get it over with" attitude.
71. Even with such an attitude about shopping, I always have a horrible time picking things out to buy.
72. My favorite color is indigo, because black is a shade. Otherwise it would be black.
73. I hope to one day have a home filled with books. As in, buckets and buckets of books scattered everywhere, in bookshelves and not.
74. I have a growing collection of DVDs as well. I love DVDs. I have about 50, from Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind to The Matrix.
75. I know Monty Python and the Holy Grail almost word-for-word.
76. The revelation that I'm three-quarters through this list just spurred me to heights of euphoria best left unmentioned.
77. Yes, I reach unmentionable heights of euphoria from facing challenges with my writing.
78. I prefer the train to the bus. The train just has "CITY" written all over it (not in graffiti).
79. I love being in the city. It's a writer's dream.
80. My favorite element of fiction writing is characterization.
81. In real life I pay so much attention to anyone's character that it amazes me sometimes. I'll be looking them in the eye and nodding to whatever they're saying, or responding to whatever stimulus they're putting forward, and I'll be thinking in my head, Now, if only I could find a book idea to toss this person into. They could be an amazing character for the role of...
82. I absolutely love sushi. I cannot understand how anyone (and that means Liz) would not want to try it.
83. Wasabi is by far my favorite spice, since it fades with relative ease.
84. I am afraid of heights.
85. At the Grand Canyon, I had to lie down when I got within 20 feet of the edge, because I was afraid I would fall. Stupid me.
86. I can spend five pages laying out the image of a sunset, and never tire of it.
87. I am selectively deaf. Call me all you want, I'm not stopping my writing.
88. I wish I could go into the city more often. Maybe next time I can go with my cousin Vincent.
89. I am never really sure if I am a city boy or a country lover at heart.
90. Judging by my taste in music, though, I'm a definite city boy.
91. I hate cleaning my room, but love seeing it clean. Predicament.
92. I hate it when people play loud music, unless it's good. Which means, "unless it's music I like".
93. Even then, though, I listen to some music that really isn't meant to be blasted.
94. Yes, I can be classy sometimes.
95. I enjoy being classy. It makes me feel smooth and invincible.
96. (That never lasts long. I always trip on the sidewalk a few seconds into it.)
97. I have compiled this entire list over the course of several days, on a computer in my band classroom, in my spare time after playing the required music. It's been tough.
98. I have a bad case of what they call "champagne taste, beer money".
99. Which explains why I burn my whole wallet whenever I'm in the city.
100. THERE WE GO! I'M DONE! WHO'S THE MAN?!
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
Wanting a Feeling Like Home
i'm in it right now. just at that point where everyone knows you're thinking hard.
i feel like jon and sam.
i feel like nowhere is home anymore.
i wonder if there's really anywhere that i can go to and have everything feel alright, no matter what happens. i have this tendency of bringing my troubles with me.
i have no home right now; no sense of belonging. i feel lost and foreign, even walking around in my own room. i feel like a freshman in my school. i feel like a pathetic little kid with no sense of direction.
i'm homesick, without even knowing where home is.
i feel like jon and sam.
i feel like nowhere is home anymore.
i wonder if there's really anywhere that i can go to and have everything feel alright, no matter what happens. i have this tendency of bringing my troubles with me.
i have no home right now; no sense of belonging. i feel lost and foreign, even walking around in my own room. i feel like a freshman in my school. i feel like a pathetic little kid with no sense of direction.
i'm homesick, without even knowing where home is.
Sunday, March 9, 2008
I Have a Dream
i'm listening to "cayman islands" by the kings of convenience right now. if you haven't heard it, you should. i have to get the album.
it just reminds me of this dream that i had once, of being in the cayman islands. i'm positive that the dream was some reference to an event that would happen later in my life. it involved a girl. i remember scattering rose petals on the beach and having a picnic under a palm tree, and feeling the tide come in on my feet. it was miraculous and perfect and infinite. it makes me wonder if it can really happen at some point in my life. the only person i've ever experienced perfection like that with is gone.
we'll see. i just have to have the right girl cross my path. when she does, i'll know. i just know it.
i'm over at johnny's at the moment, and we tried working on one of my songs, but this jerk next door keeps banging on the wall to make us stop.
am i that horrible?
it just reminds me of this dream that i had once, of being in the cayman islands. i'm positive that the dream was some reference to an event that would happen later in my life. it involved a girl. i remember scattering rose petals on the beach and having a picnic under a palm tree, and feeling the tide come in on my feet. it was miraculous and perfect and infinite. it makes me wonder if it can really happen at some point in my life. the only person i've ever experienced perfection like that with is gone.
we'll see. i just have to have the right girl cross my path. when she does, i'll know. i just know it.
i'm over at johnny's at the moment, and we tried working on one of my songs, but this jerk next door keeps banging on the wall to make us stop.
am i that horrible?
Thursday, March 6, 2008
Random Thoughts, 3/6/08
i'm finished with the guitar and melody lines for both my songs. johnny says that my writing songs is an essential part of the musician's grieving process, and he says we should be able to record my songs sometime soon.
it's definitely satisfying, but not fulfilling.
i'm kind of upset by how everything that i do is of a completely temporary nature. it all ends; it all dies or fades away. it's all forgotten in time.
every last thing i do. especially what i say; it passes in an instant. all the words i've ever spoken have echoed and withered on the air.
it all seems so pointless.
it's definitely satisfying, but not fulfilling.
i'm kind of upset by how everything that i do is of a completely temporary nature. it all ends; it all dies or fades away. it's all forgotten in time.
every last thing i do. especially what i say; it passes in an instant. all the words i've ever spoken have echoed and withered on the air.
it all seems so pointless.
Wednesday, March 5, 2008
My Life as a Short Short Story
today in spanish class i was just really thirsty, so i asked ms. castro if i could get a drink of water and she let me go to the fountain. On my way, passing the guidance office, I heard my name being called and wondered for a second if i was nuts.
then i saw melissa sitting there with a notebook in her lap.
"hey," i said, slipping inside.
"hey. what's up?"
there wasn't really much to say, because it was all the same old stuff for me at the moment. "you know...things. i was just looking for a water fountain that works."
"the one by the labs is best. the water's colder there and the stream goes higher." she swept her hand in a high arc to demonstrate.
"okay. awesome. thanks."
we both went quiet for a second, and i was about to leave, but then in this hushed voice she asked me, "do they have you on meds for the...?"
i shrugged. "yeah. some brand name stuff."
"does it help?"
"a little, i guess. it's just that when i'm on it, i can't write."
"i know the feeling. i mean, come on, man, you remember how i was talking with you the other day; it was genius, pontifically amazing. and now that i'm sitting here, with my notebook, ready to write...i've got nothing."
"ouch."
"i know." she sighed.
i hesitated, because i hadn't seen her in so long it seemed like forever, but eventually i admitted, "well, i should probably get going. i need some water."
"okay." she stood up and gave me a hug. "see you, man."
"take it easy."
after hunting the fountain melissa had mentioned and taking several gulps of cold, high-streaming water, i headed back to spanish, where everyone was up and dancing for some reason.
i just sat down and wrote.
then i saw melissa sitting there with a notebook in her lap.
"hey," i said, slipping inside.
"hey. what's up?"
there wasn't really much to say, because it was all the same old stuff for me at the moment. "you know...things. i was just looking for a water fountain that works."
"the one by the labs is best. the water's colder there and the stream goes higher." she swept her hand in a high arc to demonstrate.
"okay. awesome. thanks."
we both went quiet for a second, and i was about to leave, but then in this hushed voice she asked me, "do they have you on meds for the...?"
i shrugged. "yeah. some brand name stuff."
"does it help?"
"a little, i guess. it's just that when i'm on it, i can't write."
"i know the feeling. i mean, come on, man, you remember how i was talking with you the other day; it was genius, pontifically amazing. and now that i'm sitting here, with my notebook, ready to write...i've got nothing."
"ouch."
"i know." she sighed.
i hesitated, because i hadn't seen her in so long it seemed like forever, but eventually i admitted, "well, i should probably get going. i need some water."
"okay." she stood up and gave me a hug. "see you, man."
"take it easy."
after hunting the fountain melissa had mentioned and taking several gulps of cold, high-streaming water, i headed back to spanish, where everyone was up and dancing for some reason.
i just sat down and wrote.
Tuesday, March 4, 2008
Nostalgia
i got a pea coat yesterday as an early birthday present, before all the stores cleared out their cold-weather stuff (pictures coming soon!). oddly enough, looking in the mirror as i tried it on, i was reminded of that night on the town with my bro, johnny, and everyone else.
now i'm sitting here listening to
jack johnson -- "banana pancakes"
jack johnson -- "staple it together"
herbie hancock (featuring john mayer) -- "stitched up"
gipsry kings -- "volare"
jamie cullum -- "i can't get started"
(my favorites of the songs we listened to while cruising new york city), wearing my new coat, and feeling very nostalgic. especially when "i can't get started" comes on. jamie cullum is the new frank sonatra.
it would be awesome to have another weekend like that but i know it won't happen anytime soon. first of all, my brother's in chicago tending to a child and a wife pregnant with twins, and johnny never answers any of my calls. guess the guy's really busy.
on the other hand, i might be going to play some ping pong later today. it should be fun. and i hung out with mary a little bit yesterday; we had some good jokes and laughs. it feels good to have a brief window of sociality, though i've always been the lone-wolf type. i should try doing this more often. fun social stuff might turn out to be more my thing.
now i'm sitting here listening to
jack johnson -- "banana pancakes"
jack johnson -- "staple it together"
herbie hancock (featuring john mayer) -- "stitched up"
gipsry kings -- "volare"
jamie cullum -- "i can't get started"
(my favorites of the songs we listened to while cruising new york city), wearing my new coat, and feeling very nostalgic. especially when "i can't get started" comes on. jamie cullum is the new frank sonatra.
it would be awesome to have another weekend like that but i know it won't happen anytime soon. first of all, my brother's in chicago tending to a child and a wife pregnant with twins, and johnny never answers any of my calls. guess the guy's really busy.
on the other hand, i might be going to play some ping pong later today. it should be fun. and i hung out with mary a little bit yesterday; we had some good jokes and laughs. it feels good to have a brief window of sociality, though i've always been the lone-wolf type. i should try doing this more often. fun social stuff might turn out to be more my thing.
Monday, March 3, 2008
Walking By
i wrote another song today. my dad tells me that it’s good, because i get down what i’m feeling and it helps alleviate some of the pain. sometimes it gets to be too much, and i start writing, and next thing i know, i have lyrics. it kind of flows for me, i guess.
Walking By
And I don’t know what to do
When I see you walking with somebody new
You want me to live my life
But all I want is you
For a year my life was you
I guess I’ll take my chance
And walk right past
But then I see the smile on your face
And look for places to sit my body down
I can’t hide that I’m dying here
I’m missing you so bad
I remember all the times
All the dreams, and
All we had
You want me to live my life
You tell me to move on
But how can I continue by
Knowing that you’re gone
I don’t know why I’m trapped by memories
Or why I still need you here
But then it all comes back to haunt me —
How I loved you in that year
Such a fear of leaving
So near to pleading
The tears that we shed in each other’s arms
And I know
All I want is you
But now you’re walking by
With somebody new
Walking By
And I don’t know what to do
When I see you walking with somebody new
You want me to live my life
But all I want is you
For a year my life was you
I guess I’ll take my chance
And walk right past
But then I see the smile on your face
And look for places to sit my body down
I can’t hide that I’m dying here
I’m missing you so bad
I remember all the times
All the dreams, and
All we had
You want me to live my life
You tell me to move on
But how can I continue by
Knowing that you’re gone
I don’t know why I’m trapped by memories
Or why I still need you here
But then it all comes back to haunt me —
How I loved you in that year
Such a fear of leaving
So near to pleading
The tears that we shed in each other’s arms
And I know
All I want is you
But now you’re walking by
With somebody new
Saturday, March 1, 2008
Chinese Takeout
is probably the second best piece of fiction i've ever read.
it's the story of a starving artist who struggles, through scandalous breakups and near-bankruptcy, to make a name for himself, driven onward by his own series of symbolic paintings, his best work, long lost to the gallery-goers of new york city. along the way, he shows a doomed drug addict how to love, and the story closes with some of his amazing personal revelations.
arthur nersesian's writing never ceases to satisfy my appetite.
my personal soundtrack for the book:
"my sundown" -- jimmy eat world
"the moment i said it" -- imogen heap
"23" -- jimmy eat world
"she paints me blue" -- something corporate
"transatlanticism" -- death cab for cutie
"drugs or me" -- jimmy eat world
it's the story of a starving artist who struggles, through scandalous breakups and near-bankruptcy, to make a name for himself, driven onward by his own series of symbolic paintings, his best work, long lost to the gallery-goers of new york city. along the way, he shows a doomed drug addict how to love, and the story closes with some of his amazing personal revelations.
arthur nersesian's writing never ceases to satisfy my appetite.
my personal soundtrack for the book:
"my sundown" -- jimmy eat world
"the moment i said it" -- imogen heap
"23" -- jimmy eat world
"she paints me blue" -- something corporate
"transatlanticism" -- death cab for cutie
"drugs or me" -- jimmy eat world
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